i'm writing this for a friend. :)
i'm going to be 35 years old this year. pejam celik pejam celik, dah 40 nanti.pejam celik pejam celik, dah 50 pun. pejam celik pejam celik, sudah bercucu-cucu. pejam. celik. pejam. dan pejam. pejam selama lamanya. wow. sungguh singkat hidup ini rupanya. semakin hari semakin dekat aku dengan dunia yang kekal itu.
10 years ago, money seemed to be the centre of my world. dalam tempoh itu, i think it's not an overstatement kalau aku cakap yang aku cari duit macam tak cukup kaki tangan. tak cukup 24 jam sehari. tak cukup 7 hari seminggu. dalam bekerja 9 to 5, malamnya aku buat part time pulak. sabtu ahad pun tak lekat kat rumah. lagi aku kerja macam nak mati, lagi banyak duit masuk, lagi banyak aku kerja. vicious cycle. apa aje yang aku tak buat masa tu? i was totally addicted to the flow of cash from all kind of directions. and honestly, to me it was somewhat natural, as if i was born to do those. i wasn't thinking the reason why. sehinggalah pada satu malam yang bening, aku balik rumah around 11 at night. my husband and the kids were already fast asleep. I was downstairs, when mom happened to ask softly,
"Nak cari duit sampai macam mana lagi ni?"
The words were soft and unassuming. But it pierced through my heart like thousands of sharp needles. Honestly at that point of time, my world froze.
And I learn to take it easy thence on. And I started to question the real motive of life. Why I do what I did, where am I going, what's the best path to go, and so forth.
At one point, aku bercita-cita untuk jadi jutawan. Punya rumah banglo 6 bilik lengkap dengan swimming pool di section 7 shah alam. punya toyata harrier untuk dibawa ulang alik ke pasar. punya yayasan kebajikan aku sendiri. punya financial freedom where money is not an issue anymore so i can live my life according to my heart's will. if only i can put my heart and my soul into it, i know everything is achievable.
but things happened in between. i lived life. and my heart and soul seemed to detached themselves from the goals so familiar. and suddenly i see money as just money. just a thing that i use to fulfill life's requirement, but not 'the' thing that defines me, like before. suddenly i am no longer excited with the thought of being financially free. and i know now that i'm never gonna be a hartawan, let alone a jutawan. i'm just contented living life as i want it. raising my kids the way i want them to be raised. contributing a little bit here and there to the ummah. taking care of my parents while i still able to. being a good mom, wife and daughter.
and at 35 years old, i'm at peace with myself, at peace with my choice. i honestly think that human per se, can choose to be whatever we want to be. because allah grant us the most precious gift off all. our head, and our heart. putting these 2 together, we can actually conquer the world. well, at least OUR world. truthfully, it is not the question of 'can i do it?'. but more the question of 'will i do it?'.
as we grow older, our big questions tend to change. WHY are we here? WHERE are we going? WHAT are the things that we are willing to sacrifice? HOW to know what's best? WHEN? and i guess i have most of my answers now. and i sincerely hope you do, too. it's better to be happy and grateful in life's imperfection rather than looking forward to be happy only when your life is perfect. because sadly, our lives are never going to be perfect. don't let life sucks you into unhappiness and the never ending anticipation of what might come. because the very thing that you anticipate, might not come after all.
allah bagi setiap manusia ujian dan kekuatan masing-masing. focus on your strength to overcome your challenges. we can't win them all, so you need to know the things to carry with you, and the things that you have to let go. life is about choices. choose, and be happy. and as muslims, we have our faith, always, to keep us going on and on and on. in the midst of chaos, with iman, Allah will guide us all the way.
mari kita sama2 bersiap2 untuk ke dunia yang kekal itu. jambatan kita ke sana, adalah hidup didunia yang singkat ini. jangan perjudikan hidup yang singkat ini dengan perkara2 yang tidak boleh membantu kita disana. if you ask me, i'd say that it's simply not worth it. may the force be with you, dearest friend.