heart and soul

arina is going to be five end this year. i'm not quite sure how i'm taking it at the moment. macam tak percaya je anak2 aku semuanya dah besar-besar belaka. 5, 7, 7, 9. no more toddlers. i can honestly say that now is the longest period i stayed unpregnant for the past 9 years (i had akmal in july 2001, the twins in august 2003 and arina in dec 2005). at times, aku rasa rindu nak baby baru. baby is such a joy, don't u think? the best smells in the world are still the smell of babies. simply fresh and rejuvenating! tapi at times, aku grateful sangat2 pasal akhirnya aku punya masa untuk aku. letihnya jadi ibu kepada babies dan toddlers adalah tidak boleh diabaikan. adakalanya seperti ditorture fizikal dan mental. i don't mean to sound ungrateful, but that is honestly what i feel.

bila dah ada anak2 ni; everything that you do is no longer about you. makan, pakai, kereta, rumah, kerja etc, everything is being influenced by these little creatures. kenapa aku ada anak ramai? hahahah! soalan cepu emas. adakah aku memang inginkan anak2 yang ramai? ye. memang sungguh pun. cuma aku tak plan untuk dapat 4 anak dalam masa kurang 5 tahun. perancangan yang tidak mantap amat memakan diri. truthfully said. the price that we both paid; my husband and me; is truly unbelievable. i can't start explaining in what sense our lives were thrown upside down trying to juggle between our married life and 4 little kids. bila arina lahir, aku menangis memandang aimie dan aisyah yang ketika itu baru masuk 2 tahun, and akmal yang baru masuk 4 tahun. i couldn't help but feel guilty to my very core. even until now. i always feel that i owe each of my kids longer time and attention. in that sense, i kind of failed miserably. sampai sekarang, air mata aku akan bergenang bila aku telek anak2 aku satu persatu. the guilt just won't go away. after all the years. and deep down i know that it will never go away.

would i do it any differently? yes i would. if given the chance. i would love to have all my kids again, but with more time to spent with each of them. but then again, as aku quote MIO - god gives u what u need, not what u want. do i really need 4 kids in 5 years time? apparently i did. and still does. knowing me, i have always been a strong person. at one point, i honestly think that i could take on every challenge there is in life. oh ho ho! itu sebelum dapat anak2. betapa angkuhnya aku dengan kehidupan. and yes. god gave it right back at my face. the kids, eventually become my greatest challenge. even until now.

they challenged me in every way possible. before the kids, aku tak faham bila baca suratkhabar tentang ibu-ibu yang sembelih, dera, bunuh anak sendiri. what the hell la kan? dan macam semua orang jugak aku akan tertanya-tanya, apa gila ke cekik anak sendiri? binatang pun sayang anak! mental betul la ko pompuan! tapi sekarang. honestly aku tak pelik. at times aku rasa aku pun macam naik mental dengan kerenah budak2. tapi alhamdulillah, aku punya iman didada, punya suami yang bertanggungjawab, punya harta untuk meneruskan kehidupan. bagaimana pula bagi mereka2 yang tidak punya apa2? tiada iman, tiada suami (yang baik) dan tiada harta? hanya ada anak2 kecil yang membingitkan telinga meminta makanan dan mainan. kalau aku disitu, harus aku pun terdorong untuk mencekik anak2 tidak berdosa itu.

jadi aku buat kesimpulan sendiri. aku perlukan anak2 aku untuk menunjukkan aku jalan yang dahulunya aku rasa aku tak mampu untuk terokai. untuk menginsafkan aku yang apa terbaik untuk aku tidak semestinya apa yang aku ingin-inginkan. to remind me that at some point in life, my life is totally not about me, and me alone.

dahulu aku pernah menangis kesedihan sebab nak menangani anak2 aku. and i guess i will still do that every now and then. because it is seriously not an easy journey for me. but after 9 years, i can say this now for sure,

without my kids, i wouldn't know how to live my life anymore. they are indeed my heart. and my soul.